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OMG. I just can't bring myself to put the photo up, but Poulter's convinction that he could be World Number Two may be even scarier. (Actually, in one way, Poulter as World "Number Two" makes sense....)
(P.S. Is that logo on his bag supposed to be a fancy rendering of his initials, or an line-drawing of his... never mind.)
UPDATE: Well, if Shackelford's going to put it up, then so will I.
Tiger may be burying the field at Torrey, but he'll be hard pressed to top Adam Scott, who today put in the week's best single-day performance, shooting 61 to win in Doha.
Scott, the world number eight, birdied nine of his first twelve holes. When he stepped onto the 13th tee, 59 was well in sight. He seemed to get a little jittery, missing makeable birdie putts at 13, 14, and especially 16, where he hiccupped over a relatively straight 4-footer. To get to the magic number he needed eagle on the par-5 18th. But 
after driving it into the middle of the fairway, with 285 to the front of a green partially fronted by a lake, he laid up, and only made par. (As Scott made his decision, Henrik Stenson, his nearest competitor, was three behind with two to play.)
Still, it was an impressive display of golf.
It may be worth recalling, however, that Tiger has been known to watch TV golf of a Sunday morning. And we know how competitive he is, especially with students of Butchie's....
1. Finally: Golf! (last week: --). Now I know why football has a bye week before the Super Bowl.
2. Kelly Tilghman’s Foot (last week: 2). Wonder what she’ll have to say about her travails when she returns to the air today. Actually, no. You’re right. She won’t say a thing.
3. Grand Slam Countdown: Tee-Minus-Four Majors To Go! (last week: --). And if Tiger doesn’t win this week? Hank Haney’s head on a platter!
4. Lefty’s Lungs (last week: --). With all the talk of problems with chest congestion—which, in Phil’s words, “lingered the entire off-season”—I had assumed he passed on his usual pre-season mini-camp. But at yesterday’s presser he said he had been working hard to accommodate the demands of his new, Butch Harmon-tutored swing. “I've had to strengthen my lower body,” he said, “to be a little bit more stable, and then I've had to strengthen upper body to be able to accelerate and have the rotation through impact. So the off-season was dedicated mainly to accommodate the changes we've made.” Wow. That sounds like a lot of exercise. So how will Phil come out of the gate? Your guess is as good as mine.
5. Lefty's Hat (last week: --). Man, I love the look of a pro golfer without a logo on his head. Here's hoping Lefty's people and Bearing Point (or whatever suitor Phil was ducking questions about yesterday)don't get their deal done until next week.
6. Torrey Preps for the Open (last week: --). Geoff Shackelford nicely sums up the current state of affairs. My two cents: come June, the course had better be playing hard and fast, or those bowling alley fairways will be no kind of challenge.
7. John Daly’s descent (last week: --). Doesn’t this feel like the part in the movie where the thousand little setbacks are gathering narrative steam, setting us up for a big train-wreck catastrophe?
8. Gentlemen, Start Your Bladders (last week: --). With no points of dispute at this week’s players’ meetings, things seem all set for drug testing to begin in July. Next landmark: a guy tests positive, wants to fight it, and then realizes that since golf doesn’t have a players association, he’s pretty much screwed.
9. Bronzing Earl (last week: --). I don’t quite see Earl in the sculpture. And Tiger looks a little cartoonish. But the inscription on the bottom is right on. ("I challenge you to make a difference in the world, to reach higher and farther than you ever imagined.") About the Learning Center itself: when Tiger holds it up as his way of addressing social issues – as he did again this week—it’s tantamount to ducking the issue. But it is also, at the same time, the literal truth.
10. The Middle East Swing (last week: 6). I’ll admit it: I forgot the name of the fellow who won Dubai quicker 
than you can say Robert-Jan Derksen. But it was still a better tournament than the Hope. And I really dig the now-traditional champagne-dousing of first-time winners. The Europeans do it, the women do it—why don’t the U.S. Tour guys do it? (Insert wisecrack here.)
Not much time has passed since the death of Steve Duplantis—certainly not enough to establish (as at least one player has implied) that his nighttime pastimes had something to do with his being hit by a taxicab.
But whatever the circumstances turn out to have been, it befits his memory to recall him with a smile.
I once promised Stevie dinner at the most expensive restaurant in a smallish PGA Tour town. That evening I was running late. When I arrived he was already seated, and had not only brought a date, and ordered a bottle of wine, but had also ordered two filet mignons and two lobsters—not as part of surf-and-turf combos, but à la carte. “What do you care?” he said. “You’re on an expense account!”
While he didn’t always respect his job-- or mine-- he did love the game. He liked nothing more than going out to play on off-days with his bosses. He was a single dad, and deeply loved his daughter, Sierra—he was genuinely conflicted about spending his working life on the road, but was convinced that financially he was doing the right thing for her.
I can honestly say that Stevie was one of the things I’ve missed about not being on the road myself. Probably the most unique thing about him was his inability to speak anything other than his mind, which, if you’re a media guy, is pretty refreshing. His candor and his sense of humor about himself made him one of those guys you’re glad to spot on the range—you know that even if you don’t get any work done, you’ll have a good time talking to him.
As a caddie, Stevie always (as Alan Shipnuck says) got the best out of his players—at least until he showed up late one too many times, and the relationship started to sour. That was the cycle, and sadly, it was never broken. Still, Stevie made a lot of money for a lot of players over the years, and he should go down as one of the best game day bagmen of all time. We’ve seen players comment on his after-dark habits. But I hope the next few days bring a few testimonials about what he did for his players—not just instilling confidence and calming nerves, but also improving course management and offering the odd swing tip-- that pushed them beyond their previous bests.
Finally! My time machine has been perfected!
For my first voyage, I set the controls to this coming Wednesday afternoon, just after Tiger Woods’ first press conference of the season.
Here’s the transcript!
JOAN v.T. ALEXANDER: Thanks everyone for coming. Before we get to questions, we’re going to turn it over to Larry Patton, Buick’s golf marketing general manager, for a few words.
LARRY PATTON: Thanks, Joan. As you all know, this is over a decade that Tiger’s been a Buick spokesperson, and there are a few things new for this year, a few things I’d like to go over, before we go any further. There are a couple of commercials, and a contest winner, and a newly-styled golf bag, and then we’ll roll our brand new ultra-full-size Buick Romneyator SUV, and then….
Sadly, the rest of transcript’s first page, as well as pages two and three, incinerated upon re-entry to our space/time dimension.
…
Q: Before anyone gets too carried away with golf, baby Suri—I mean, Sam Alexis—it’s been almost two months since we got a status report on her golf game—how’s that progressing?
TIGER WOODS: Still thinks the putter’s a rattle. But she’ll learn.
Q: Can you reflect a little bit on how fatherhood has changed you? Has it changed your priorities?
TIGER WOODS: (Holds tape recorder up to mic, presses Play.) "Sure your priorites change. You have to figure out how to make time for your sponsors, and practice, and an actual tournament or two. You’ve got to find a balance."
Q: Don’t you usually make a crack about diapers in there somewhere? We love that one. Can you give it to us again?
TIGER WOODS: Sure. (Smiles.) I just can’t get used to changing those diapers.
(Laughter.)
Q: And how’s Elin doing? Is she pregnant again yet?
TIGER WOODS: Not as far as I know. We have a deal—she doesn’t tell me about pregnancies until she’s actually delivered the baby. Like at the US Open last year. Helps me focus.
Q: Good afternoon, Tiger. I just want to tell you that I have flown all the way here from Iceland. We have a celebrated new golf course that just opened there, a Bjork Gudmundsdottir design, and I wanted to know if you have every played it, or heard of it, so we can put what you say in our brochures, or maybe later in the bankruptcy papers.
TIGER WOODS: I have heard of it, actually. Marko went up there last year, because he got an appearan… a special invitation to pay, I mean, play in a Skins Game. Said it was a great track.
Q: Tiger, what about those new Nike irons you’ve been hitting?
TIGER WOODS: I’ve been practicing with them all winter....
Q: No, not those. The new new ones. New month, new product cycle.
TIGER WOODS: New new? Oh, yeah. Those. They’re great. Just working on getting them dialed in. The boys in Ft. Worth have outdone themselves again. New ball’s great, too.
Q: Tiger, first of all, Happy New Year.
TIGER WOODS: Thanks, Doug.
Q: Now that 45 minutes have passed, I thought I might ask you your first golf question of the year. Obviously, there’s another big tournament here later this year. You’ve been around the South Course a couple of times now—notice anything different?
TIGER WOODS: Not really. You know, I’ve always loved this course. I’ve got a lot of history here. Everything’s right in front of you. Of course, the grass will be a little longer in June. The kikuyu, it’ll be really tough. But everybody’s got to play the same course.
Q: Hi Tiger! Jane Vane from KQT-TV. Can you tell our viewers, the US Open will be here in June. Will this be a good US Open course?
TIGER WOODS: Well, I’ve always loved this course. I’ve got a lot of history here. Everything’s right in front of you. Of course, the grass will be a little longer in June. The kikuyu, it’ll be really tough. But everybody’s got to play the same course.
Q: Tiger, Bill Narcissuson from KNOB-TV. Another big tournament here this June. Can you tell us how the course looks just a few months before the U.S. Open.
TIGER WOODS: You know, I’ve always loved this course....
Q: Looking over at this camera here, please?
TIGER WOODS: Sure. (Adjusts self in seat.) I’ve always loved this course. I’ve got a lot of history here. Everything’s right in front of you. Of course, the grass will be a little longer in June. The kikuyu, it’ll be really tough. But everybody’s got to play the same course.
Q: Tiger, what about Kelly Tilghman?
TIGER WOODS: You know, I’ve always loved this course. I’ve got a lot of history here….
Q: Tiger? Uh, Tiger? Kelly Tilghman.
TIGER WOODS: Oh. Sorry. No comment.
Q: Have you talked to her?
TIGER WOODS: She called me. We worked it out between ourselves.
Q: You actually talked?
TIGER WOODS: She left a message with Steiney.
Q: Can to share what she said?
TIGER WOODS: Nope. Sorry.
Q: Tiger, don’t you feel the public has a right to know what you really think about all this?
TIGER WOODS: No. Read my boat: no straight answers.
Q: A columnist last week implied that you didn’t publically criticize her because of all your endorsements—you know, you’re trying to avoid controversy because racists buy golf shoes, too, as MJ would have put it. Any reaction?
JOAN v.T. ALEXANDER: Tiger has another engagement, so we’ll have to cut this short. Thanks again to all of you for coming.
End of FastScripts.
Ranking the top stories:
1. Golf? Already? (last week: 1). Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, it’s … celebrity golf! Kryptonite to potential golf-tv watchers. Not to mention the weakness of field: bet you never guessed you’d see the day when Mike Weir was the favorite to win a PGA Tour event. Like most golf stories, however, this one is really a Tiger story in disguise. The Hope is now for all intents and purposes part of the PGA Tour’s B-League, a division created by his unwillingness to participate in certain events. Mickelson saved it from that designation for a while, but the fix was only superficial. Celebrities or no, the Hope may as well be Greensboro. Actually, the only reason events like these survive at all is cable television fees.
2. Kelly Tilghman's Foot (last week: 2). Probably a good thing that she's still sitting out—she was the likeliest person, in mentioning K.J. Choi’s win last week, to make some stupid remark about kimchi. A small irony here: part of the reason this story has such legs is her looks. Judging by what my site tells me about visitors, tons of people are still searching images of her. Who'da thunk being cute could backfire like that?
3. Golfweek's Noose Cover (last week: --). This ranking may violently shift, depending on whether or not Al Sharpton ever gets his hands on a copy of the magazine. I heartily agree with Steve Elling's take; it's hard to believe that Golfweek's eds didn't understand, or chose to ignore, that the whole point here is not conjuring memories of racial violence. I do, however, agree with its perhaps unintentional implication, on its editorial page, that the real story was how the Golf Channel could foreground someone so (sorry to use this euphemism again) unworldly.
4. Rich Lerner to the Rescue (last week: --). This is just theoretical—I repeat, just theoretical—but if I say he’s better at anchoring a telecast than Tilghman, am I a hopelessly sexist pig? Do I get a call from Martha Burk?
5. Barclays on the Move (last week: --). Too many layers to this story to peel off here. I'll let these guys do it.
6. The Middle East Swing (last week: --). If you’re going to watch one tournament on the Golf Channel this week, the European Tour’s Abu Dhabi Championship is the one to watch. In fact, this will be the case for two of these three weeks—14 days from today Tiger will be teeing it up in Dubai. But before you start singing the praises of the European Tour, consider that Abu Dhabi-Qatar-Dubai is their most interesting multi-tournament swing, better even than the ones that culminate in the British Open and the Volvo Masters. This is a Tour in transition.
7. Red-Ass Rory (last week: 4). Number seven this week? Not bad for a guy who’s not even playing! Isn’t it bizarre that golf’s biggest newsmaker between November and February (apart from Tilghman) has been this ne'er-do-well? I guess it’s only as bizarre as Golf Digest’s accidentally well-timed capitalization on it, the profile of Sabbatini in its November issue. The lesson here, of course, is how starved golf is for interesting stories. It’s the same thing that happened with Boo Weekley a few months back: the celeb-ration of a 
player who has won a tournament, maybe even two-- not events in which Tiger has participated, though-- and had a couple of good finishes, maybe even two, in events in which Tiger has participated. The golf press zeroes in on these guys because it’s the best we they can do in an age in which they have no chance of producing a profile of the man himself, or the next-best player, or even one of that C-rank of established world players. Of course, that problem is common to other sports (when was the last time you read a searching profile of Kobe Bryant or Tom Brady or Roger Federer)? It’s all part of the age of protective publicity. But golf’s in a particularly bad way, because we don’t have guys like Dwight Howard or Bob Sanders, up-and-comers who figure to make a difference in their teams’ fortunes, and maybe even produce a championship. No, we get guys who are notable because they’re “characters,” sports’ equivalent of circus freaks. Seriously. When was the last time, post-Tiger, that a guy arrived on the scene and really made a splash, became a front-rank player right before our eyes? During the Tiger Era (eleven years and counting) there have only been three such guys: Duval, Singh, and (if you want to count him) Mickelson. And maybe Jim Furyk. These are the only guys, besides Tiger, who’ve really mattered in a Big Picture sense. To inject a little optimism here, let’s consider this: how exciting is it going to be the first time a new guy—a Nick Watney, say, or a Nick Flanagan—gets into a final group with Tiger and shoots a better score? How great would it be if that happened, like, a couple of times in one season? How great would it be if this sport finally had a super-duper Year of Big Arrivals? Oh, I should live to see the day!
8. The Seniors Return to Action (last week: --). The only reason they’re on the radar is that they don’t deserve to be on the radar, if you can get your bucket hat around that one.
